We welcomed our newest son Lukas into the world a week ago. I will have to share his story in full, but he surprised us all by coming 4 weeks early. We are so smitten and so in love. He’s adorable and a scrappy little guy, who despite his being so early is doing really well. We are so thankful.
As beautiful as new motherhood is, I’m always jarred by the vulnerability that I experience. On the way home from the hospital I looked at my husband Doug and said, “I feel so changed.” It’s rare that you walk into a place and 72 hours later leave tangibly feeling like an entirely new person. Motherhood does that to you in a fierce undeniable way. The moment that I met my son, I felt like a part of my heart was instantaneously possessed by him. Any time you love someone–it requires great risk; your heart feels so vulnerable. It’s scary, but love is worth it.
C.S. Lewis says, ““To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” “The Four Loves”
In these sleepy days, I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit who points me to truth when naturally I feel confusion, hope when I naturally feel desperate, and peace when I naturally feel anxiety. Above all I am thankful that the Holy Spirit reminds me of the great risk of God’s love for me when I am feeling so vulnerable and aware of my own weaknesses.
The Holy Spirit brought this song to my mind this afternoon, and I’m thankful that in days where I feel great soaring love one moment and severe exhaustion the next, that God loved me first. God was the most vulnerable and the most sacrificial towards me, and I can trust and rely upon his constant faithfulness.
“I Am” by Jill Phillips